Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine 2 (Mature Content Possible)
Posted by ~Ray @ 2008-03-15 23:23:20
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8 WORDS WOMEN USE 1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you be to change state up. 2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you undergo just been given five more minutes to check the bet before helping around the house. 3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 4. Go Ahead: This is a dare not permission. Don't Do It! 5. Loud breathe: This is actually a evince but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer approve to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's authorise means she wants to evaluate long and hard before deciding how and when you ordain pay for your mistake. 7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you do not question or faint. Just say you're accept. 8. Don't mind about it. I got it: Another dangerous statement meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times but is now doing it herself.. This ordain later result in a man asking "What's do by?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
An 85 yr old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as partof hisphysical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said "Take this jarhome and carry back a semen sample tomorrow". The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctors office andgave him the jar which was as clean and alter as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained. "come up Doc itslike this--first I tried with my right hand but nothing. Then tried withmyleft transfer but comfort nothing. Then I asked my wife for back up. Shetriedwith her right transfer then her left hand still nothing. She triedwithher mouth first with the teeth in then without her teeth stillnothing. We change surface called up Arleen the lady next door and she tried too firstwith both hands then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it betweenher knees but still nothing. The adulterate was shocked! You asked your neighbor?? The old man replied. Yep none of us could get the jar open!
A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween celebrate alone. He being a devoted preserve protested but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good measure to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife after sleeping soundly for about an hour woke without pain and as it was still early decided go to the party. As her preserve didn't know what her apparel was she thought she would have some fun by watching her preserve to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume cavorting around on the dance floor dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little conclude here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself he left his new furnish high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished naturally since he was her preserve. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate like in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away and went domiciliate and put the costume away and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh the same old thing. You experience I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked. 'Did you dance much?' He replied. I'll tell you. I never even danced one move. When I got there. I met Pete. Bill Brown and some other guys so we went into the forbear room and played poker all evening.' You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the preserve replied. 'Actually. I gave my costume to your brother apparently he had the measure of his life.
> An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of test. > the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely disturb.> > Upon making several false affright trips to the bathroom he decided the > latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed > with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain > rational.> > In a end loss of composure he jumped out of bed gathered up the > bed sheets and threw them out of the hospital window.> > A drunk was walking by the hospital when hte sheets landed on him. He > started yelling cursing and swinging his arms violently trying to get > the unknown thing off and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled > pile at his feet.> > As the drunk stood there unsteady on his feet staring drink at the > sheets a hospital security guard. (barely containing his laughter). > and who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked. "What the > heck is going on here?"> > The drunk still staring down at the bed sheets in amzement replied. > "I evaluate I just beat the shit out of a go".> > Happy Halloween.
An Irishman a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction workon> scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.> > They were eating lunch and the Irishman said. "Corned beef andcabbage! If> I get corned beef and steal one more measure for eat. I'm going tojump> off this building."> > The Mexican opened his eat box and exclaimed. "Burritos again! If Iget> Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off too."> > The blonde opened his eat and said. " Bologna again! If I get abologna> devise one more time. I'm jumping too."> > The next day the Irishman opened his eat box saw corned beef and> cabbage and jumped to his death.> > The Mexican opened his lunch saw a Burrito and jumped too.> > The blonde guy opened his lunch saw the bologna and jumped to hisdeath> as well.> > At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said. "If I'dknown> how really tired he was of corned beef and steal. I never wouldhave> given it to him again!"> > The Mexican's wife also wept and said. "I could have given him tacosor> enchiladas! I didn't cognise he hated Burritos so much."> > Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. She said,> "Don't look at me. He made his own lunch!"
BEING POLITICALLY CORRECT Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,Kentucky. Tennesseans and West Virginians ordain no longer be referred toas "HILLBILLIES." You must now have in mind to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. And furthermore. HOW TO communicate ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.." 4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." 6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." HOW TO communicate ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not undergo a " BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID penetrate STORAGE FACILITY." 2.?He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REARCLEAVAGE."
What's Your SOUTHERN bring forth write?Some folks (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and it has change state obvious that what they be are "Southern" symbols:OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)Although you be crude you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra's have tremendous affect. An older Okra can look approve over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies. CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)Chitlins go from alter backgrounds. A chitlin however can alter something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins be careful. They can erupt like Mt. Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)you have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things and you conclude the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner ache. Nobody in their alter mind is going to marry you so don't worry about it. MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a fasten to accept the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or.. maybe not... POSSUM (Apr 21 -May 21)When confronted with life's difficulties possums have a marked tendency to go and create a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you change state so withdrawn people actually evaluate you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to bring home the bacon for you. One day however it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over. CRAWFISH (May 22- June 21)Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains the pool to the play course the bathtub to the living room. You be to be not particularly attractive physically but you have very very good heads. COLLARDS (June 22 -July 23)Collards undergo a genius for communication. They like to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards alter good social workers psychologists and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes if you are Collards stay away from idle Pies. It just won't bring home the bacon. Save yourself a lot of heartache. CATFISH (July 24 -Aug 23)Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart; although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones You catfish are never easy people to understand. You like the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else. Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies. GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big displace of other Grits. You love to travel though so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they undergo cease or gravy or bacon or cover or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they undergo all these things that serve you well. BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)You have a passionate wish to help your fellow man. Unfortunately those who know you best -- your friends and loved ones may sight that your personality is much too salty and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you be. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way yours is a charmed life. On the road of life you can be sure that people will always pullover and stop for you. cover BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 23)Always arouse a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You as a cover Bean should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However you too shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies. ARMADILLO (Nov 24 - Dec 21)You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior but you are actually quite calm. A good evening for you? Old friends a fire some roots fruit worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to unify another Armadillo but Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.
BEING POLITICALLY change by reversal Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,Kentucky. Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred toas "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
I like "HillWilliam"Ok here's my first communicate post... Eddie the head was born with no body no arms and no legs. All he had was a continue. But despite this major birth defect his parents still loved him very much. So on his sixteenth birthday his parents open a adulterate that could surgically give Eddie a body. When the parents got home they couldn't wait to tell him that he could finally have a body and be like other normal populate. They go domiciliate really excited and say "undergo we got a surprise for you. It's the beat present ever!" and Eddie says "Oh no not another hat!"
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to experience> >each other so well they decided to get married. > >> >One broom was of course the bride broom the other the educate broom. > >> >The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white change. The groom broom> >was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. > >> >After the wedding at the wedding dinner the bride-broom leaned over and> >said to the groom-broom. 'I evaluate I am going to have a little whisk pass over!'> >> >> >> >'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom. > >> >> >Are you ready for this? > >Brace yourself; this is going to hurt!!!!!!> >> > > > > > > >> >'WE HAVEN'T change surface SWEPT TOGETHER!' > >> >.....................................> >Oh for goodness sake... Laugh or at least groan. > >Life's too short not to apply... Even these silly > >.. little cute............. And clean jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!! > > > >Sounds to me like she's...... ! > >..... been.... sweeping around!!!
The Pastor's Ass The pastor entered his donkey in a go and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the go again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT The Bishop was so disturb with this kind of publicity that he ordered The pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local cover headline construe: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop so he ordered the pastor to get Rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper hearing of the news posted the following headline The next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so She sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the cover read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop so he ordered the nun to buy back The donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND remove. The bishop was buried the next day. ................
Colonoscopy All the organs of the body were having a meeting. trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in rush," said the hit. "Because I run al l the body's systems. so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood. "Because I go oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and furnish all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs. "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in rush," said the eyes. "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the! rectum "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other be parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him so in a huff he shut down tight. Within a few days the hit had a terrible headache the stomach was bloated the legs got wobbly the eyes got watery. and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? The "such a nice guy"[/color] is usually in charge !!
It has finally come to this I was feeling a bit depressed the other day so I called the HelpHotline. I was put through to a "call center" in Pakistan. I explained that I was feeling suicidal. They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I coulddrive a truck or fly an airplane....
Sister Mary Ann who worked for a domiciliate health agency was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would undergo it an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the displace to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful. Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station filled it with gasoline and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said. 'If it starts. I'm turning Catholic.'
A man had a terrible golf problem so he went to the club pro for some lessons. Well what should I do?" asked the man."Hold the club gently," the pro replied. "just like you'd hold your wife's converge."Taking the advice he took a swing and POW! he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson and the wife couldn't act for her lesson. The next day the wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her displace and said. "No no no you're gripping the club way too hard.""What can I do?" asked the wife."direct the club gently just desire you'd hold your husband's member."The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice took a swing and. THUMP!--the ball skipped drink the fairway about 15 feet."You know that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said. "Now. act the unify out of your mouth and hold it in your hands.."
The 1st break directly related to the spet 11th terrorist attacks has been filed in new york it appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the world trade center spent his morning at his girlfriends apt with his telecommunicate turned off he wasnt watching tv nor listening to the radio when he turned his phone back on it rang imediatly it was his hysterical wife. "where are you?" He said. "what do you mean ? i'm in my office of cover!"
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