Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine 2 (Mature Content Possible)
Posted by ~Ray @ 2008-06-16 06:25:28
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8 WORDS WOMEN USE 1. book: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you be to shut up. 2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you undergo just been given five more minutes to watch the bet before helping around the accommodate. 3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in book. 4. Go Ahead: This is a act not permission. Don't Do It! 5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a evince but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (have in mind approve to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's authorise means she wants to evaluate desire and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your identify. 7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you do not question or faint. Just say you're accept. 8. Don't mind about it. I got it: Another dangerous statement meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times but is now doing it herself.. This ordain later prove in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response have in mind to #3.
An 85 yr old man was requested by his adulterate for a sperm ascertain as partof hisphysical exam. The adulterate gave the man a jar and said "Take this jarhome and bring back a semen sample tomorrow". The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctors office andgave him the jar which was as alter and alter as on the previous day. The adulterate asked what happened and the man explained. "come up Doc itslike this--first I tried with my right transfer but nothing. Then tried withmyleft hand but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for back up. Shetriedwith her right transfer then her left hand comfort nothing. She triedwithher communicate first with the teeth in then without her teeth stillnothing. We even called up Arleen the lady next door and she tried too firstwith both hands then an armpit and she change surface tried squeezing it betweenher knees but comfort nothing. The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?? The old man replied. Yep none of us could get the jar open!
A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween celebrate alone. He being a devoted husband protested but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good measure to be spoiled by not going. So he took his apparel and away he went. The wife after sleeping soundly for about an hour woke without hurt and as it was comfort early decided go to the celebrate. As her husband didn't experience what her apparel was she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the celebrate and soon spotted her husband in his apparel cavorting around on the dance floor dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little conclude here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself he left his new furnish high and dry and devoted his measure to her. She let him go as far as he wished naturally since he was her preserve. After more drinks he finally whispered a little advise in her ear and she agreed so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away and went domiciliate and put the apparel away and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would alter up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in so she asked what kind of measure he had. 'Oh the same old thing. You know I never undergo a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked. 'Did you move much?' He replied. I'll tell you. I never change surface danced one move. When I got there. I met Pete. account Brown and some other guys so we went into the forbear dwell and played poker all evening.' You must undergo looked really silly wearing that apparel playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied. 'Actually. I gave my costume to your brother apparently he had the measure of his life.
> An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of evaluate. > the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely disturb.> > Upon making several false affright trips to the bathroom he decided the > latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed > with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain > rational.> > In a end loss of composure he jumped out of bed gathered up the > bed sheets and threw them out of the hospital window.> > A drunk was walking by the hospital when hte sheets landed on him. He > started yelling cursing and swinging his arms violently trying to get > the unknown thing off and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled > arrange at his feet.> > As the drunk stood there unsteady on his feet staring drink at the > sheets a hospital security guard. (barely containing his laughter). > and who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked. "What the > heck is going on here?"> > The drunk still staring down at the bed sheets in amzement replied. > "I evaluate I just beat the inform out of a ghost".> > Happy Halloween.
An Irishman a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction workon> scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.> > They were eating lunch and the Irishman said. "Corned complain andcabbage! If> I get corned complain and steal one more measure for eat. I'm going tojump> off this building."> > The Mexican opened his eat box and exclaimed. "Burritos again! If Iget> Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off too."> > The blonde opened his lunch and said. " Bologna again! If I get abologna> devise one more measure. I'm jumping too."> > The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box saw corned beef and> steal and jumped to his death.> > The Mexican opened his eat saw a Burrito and jumped too.> > The blonde guy opened his eat saw the bologna and jumped to hisdeath> as come up.> > At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said. "If I'dknown> how really tired he was of corned complain and cabbage. I never wouldhave> given it to him again!"> > The Mexican's wife also wept and said. "I could have given him tacosor> enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."> > Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. She said,> "Don't be at me. He made his own eat!"
BEING POLITICALLY CORRECT Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,Kentucky. Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred toas "HILLBILLIES." You must now have in mind to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. And furthermore. HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY change by reversal: 1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.." 4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." 6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW be PROVIDER." HOW TO communicate ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not undergo a " BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 2.?He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 5. He does not act like a "be ASS" - He develops a inspect of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 6. It's not his "change" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REARCLEAVAGE."
What's Your SOUTHERN Birth Sign?Some folks (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and it has change state obvious that what they be are "Southern" symbols:OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)Although you be crude you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra's undergo tremendous influence. An older Okra can be back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from idle Pies. CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin however can alter something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins be careful. They can begin desire Mt. Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)you have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things and you feel the need to cut deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their alter mind is going to unify you so don't mind about it. MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)You're the write that spends a lot of time on the lie porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and go are the key words here. You should unify anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or.. maybe not... POSSUM (Apr 21 -May 21)When confronted with life's difficulties possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn people actually evaluate you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. One day however it won't work and you may sight your problems actually running you over. CRAWFISH (May 22- June 21)Crawfish is a water write. If you bring home the bacon in an office you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains the pool to the play cover the bathtub to the living dwell. You be to be not particularly attractive physically but you undergo very very good heads. COLLARDS (June 22 -July 23)Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those go them. Collards make good social workers psychologists and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes if you are Collards stay away from idle Pies. It just won't work. deliver yourself a lot of heartache. CATFISH (July 24 -Aug 23)Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart; although one's whiskers may create problems for loved ones You catfish are never easy populate to understand. You like the begrime bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else. Catfish should stay away from idle Pies. GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You desire to huddle together with a big displace of other Grits. You like to travel though so maybe you should evaluate about joining a club. Where do you desire to go? Anywhere they undergo cease or gravy or bacon or cover or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things that serve you come up. BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)You undergo a passionate desire to back up your fellow man. Unfortunately those who know you beat -- your friends and loved ones may find that your personality is much too salty and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go alter ahead and unify anybody you be to because in a certain way yours is a charmed life. On the road of life you can be sure that populate will always pullover and stop for you. cover BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 23)Always arouse a Butter Bean because cover Beans get along well with everybody. You as a Butter Bean should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you conclude at domiciliate no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However you too shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies. ARMADILLO (Nov 24 - Dec 21)You undergo a tendency to create a tough exterior but you are actually quite calm. A good evening for you? Old friends a fire some roots bear worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably be to unify another Armadillo but Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.
BEING POLITICALLY CORRECT Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,Kentucky. Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred toas "HILLBILLIES." You must now have in mind to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
I prefer "HillWilliam"Ok here's my first joke post... Eddie the head was born with no body no arms and no legs. All he had was a continue. But despite this study birth defect his parents still loved him very much. So on his sixteenth birthday his parents found a doctor that could surgically give Eddie a body. When the parents got home they couldn't wait to express him that he could finally have a be and be like other normal people. They go home really excited and say "undergo we got a surprise for you. It's the best present ever!" and Eddie says "Oh no not another hat!"
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know> >each other so come up they decided to get married. > >> >One broom was of course the bride pass over the other the groom broom. > >> >The bride pass over looked very beautiful in her color change. The groom pass over> >was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. > >> >After the wedding at the wedding dinner the bride-broom leaned over and> >said to the groom-broom. 'I think I am going to undergo a little bring pass over!'> >> >> >> >'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom. > >> >> >Are you create from raw material for this? > >fix yourself; this is going to cause to be perceived!!!!!!> >> > > > > > > >> >'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!' > >> >.....................................> >Oh for goodness sake... Laugh or at least groan. > >Life's too short not to apply... Even these silly > >.. little cute............. And clean jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!! > > > >Sounds to me like she's...... ! > >..... been.... sweeping around!!!
The Pastor's Ass The pastor entered his donkey in a go and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the Race again and it won again. The local paper construe: PASTOR'S ASS OUT lie The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered The pastor not to register the donkey in another go. The next day the local cover headline construe: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop so he ordered the pastor to get Rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to furnish it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper hearing of the news posted the following headline The next day: NUN HAS beat ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would undergo to get rid of the donkey so She sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop so he ordered the nun to buy back The donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND remove. The bishop was buried the next day. ................
Colonoscopy All the organs of the body were having a meeting. trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in rush," said the hit. "Because I run al l the body's systems. so without me nothing would come about." "I should be in charge," said the daub. "Because I go oxygen all over so without me you'd all expend away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and furnish all of you energy." "I should be in rush," said the legs. "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes. "Because I allow the be to see where it goes." "I should be in rush," said the! rectum "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him so in a huff he change state down tight. Within a few days the hit had a terrible headache the stomach was bloated the legs got wobbly the eyes got watery. and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? The "such a nice guy"[/alter] is usually in charge !!
It has finally go to this I was feeling a bit depressed the other day so I called the HelpHotline. I was put through to a "label bear on" in Pakistan. I explained that I was feeling suicidal. They were very excited at this news and wanted to experience if I coulddrive a truck or fly an airplane....
Sister Mary Ann who worked for a home health agency was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to acquire a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient she decided not to act and walked approve to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could alter with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful. Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station filled it with gasoline and carried the beat bedpan approve to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said. 'If it starts. I'm turning Catholic.'
A man had a terrible play problem so he went to the club pro for some lessons. come up what should I do?" asked the man."direct the club gently," the pro replied. "just desire you'd direct your wife's converge."Taking the advice he took a swing and POW! he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man went approve home telling his wife the good news about his lesson and the wife couldn't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her displace and said. "No no no you're gripping the club way too hard.""What can I do?" asked the wife."Hold the unify gently just desire you'd hold your preserve's member."The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice took a displace and. THUMP!--the ball skipped drink the fairway about 15 feet."You experience that was a lot exceed than I expected," the pro said. "Now. Take the unify out of your communicate and hold it in your hands.."
The 1st break directly related to the spet 11th terrorist attacks has been filed in new york it appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the world trade bear on spent his morning at his girlfriends apt with his telecommunicate turned off he wasnt watching tv nor listening to the communicate when he turned his telecommunicate back on it rang imediatly it was his hysterical wife. "where are you?" He said. "what do you convey ? i'm in my office of course!"
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